I am spending more time with my family these days, like, talking to my youngest brother over IM for more than an hour already now. We hadn’t been able to talk to each other for too long since the year I left for Melbourne, and then he left for U.K. when I graduated and returned home. He graduated and came home on the month I got married. We have not been staying together since.
A total 6 years of separation. 8 years now. And I always feel guilty for not being there for him and see him grow up. But he grown up anyway, as time waits for no one.
So I was sharing the incident I have had this evening with him and, I realized that talking to him, aren’t like myself talking to any other people that’s at his age, although we are 6 years apart and I am older, of course, but he is wiser, well, sometimes. :) Perhaps it was because he is not in the picture, he gets to see things clearer. I don’t know.
I remember he once told me about how clear the sky was in Egypt and how stars filled up the whole night sky… he told me he won’t dare to take off his glasses otherwise the fox nearby would steal them away… he told me its extremely hard to cross a road in Egypt – best way to cross a road is close your eyes, else you will be too afraid to take the first step…
And as time passed we both got tired of talking about serious stuff, our attention drifted and he starts drawing funny stuff for me to see and I start doing something else. And FYI when I have absolutely nothing in my mind, I will do meaningless stuff, stuff like, reading old mails, or reading junk mails. And since today I have had such incident, I did a search on my mailbox – and study how I’ve met this young lady. Then I found those mails. I read them all – from the first mail I’ve got from this young lady. It was an Etsy Convo, and from there I get to know how this young lady have found me. I read on, then realized that all E-mails, all of them, have been the asking How-To, Where-to… E-mails, even the very last graceful conversation we have had was about requesting for information from me, and I was undergoing pain of losing a relative, that mail didn’t sound like I was at peace.
Hmmm. So, what have I done wrong? Done too much? Doing not enough? Hmm.
Guess I will never able to find it’s answer though I’ve asked myself just one question after re-reading all the conversation we’ve exchanged - If given a chance to repeat the whole thing again, though it had to come to this unfortunate ending, will I, or will I not help? My answer is a Yes. I still think I would feed this young lady with whatever answers she’d asked for, I’ve been through the searching process, I know how hard things can be especially being a Malaysian, I can’t be like you folks in States whereby whatever you want, you could just reach out your hands and you will get it. So yes, I would still help. But not everything work out, and so it seem I was blamed for doing not enough. Hmm but that life is right? Not everything work out - I’ve learned that and still am learning.
Oh brother is going to sign off his IM and calling it an evening, I think I should to… Oh wait..
Ah a PM just arrived. :)
Linda, thanks for your warm encouragement and love for my creations. I am at peace.. hmm actually, I have been at peace since the funeral of my uncle on the weekend, and am not affected by the incident this afternoon anyway.
Goodnight all, I will see you later.